Once again I find myself filing unemployment. My last gig was a temp job here in Rochester. It came to an end when the company started hiring full time employees who actually have degrees in marketing.
The economy is in the toilet right now. Unemployment is growing. This means there are a lot of qualified people out there looking for work, and who’s going to hire an underemployed minister who happens to have computer and typing skills?
I whined to God a bit this morning, something along the lines of “Where are all these blessings I keep reading about? Where are the plans to prosper me and not to harm me? When is this future hope going to be realized?” God’s answer was “Don’t worry about it. I’m going to take care of you.”
And once again I have a choice: do I trust Him? Or do I not trust Him? The question isn’t as easy in depth as it is on the surface. The surface answer is: of course you trust Him! He’s proven His good character time and time again!
Deeper, though, I find myself pondering His trustworthiness, towards me in particular. It helps to remember my times are in His hands, and a good life isn’t about having a good job, a nice home with a white picket fence, and everything wrapped up and handed to me with a nice, neat little bow. I know God will come through for me. Every one of His promises will be fulfilled–if they haven’t been already.
But I get so frustrateed when I feel like I’m on the edge of seeing His promises realized, only to find my way is blocked yet again. Ever since coming out here to Rochester, I’ve felt I was on the very cusp of seeing all my lifelong dreams realized: home of my own, church plant, published author, etc (and no, I don’t include family in there for two reasons: a) I already have a family, and b) I don’t look at them as a goal to be achieved.). And yet, just as I’m about to reach for the brass ring, I find myself slamming into a glass ceiling, and I can’t seem to break through.
I talked to a friend about this yesterday. She suggested–through her own experience–that having your dreams realized can be just as disappointing, when they turn out to be a mirage. But I think I’d rather have that happen, so I can move on, than to keep banging my fist against the glass ceiling trying to get through. At least then there would be some resolution to this.
For now, all I can do is either give up or keep trying.
And if I can help it, I never give up.